Archive for category Family
The important thing here, is to make sure that no one has a good time.
Start campaign well in advance, by refusing to go on the holiday that Parents are proposing. They have not been able to afford a holiday for four years, and the idea has come up now because your elder brother has finally got a job and your mother’s aunt Daphne died, leaving enough money to take the family somewhere sunny.
1 Repeat often and loudly that you don’t want to go, that it’ll be boring, you hate foreign food, you’d rather have the money, none of your friends are going away, you want to stay with Fish, your parents are always making you do things you don’t want to do, no one else’s parents make them do things and everyone else’s parents give them more money and let them do as they like. Imply that your father is a slob because he doesn’t have a BMW and because he has not bought you the sound system that Kenny has.
2 Slam doors.
3 Shut yourself in your room with Kenny and Fish and play Ixnay on the Hombre very loud, especially at four am on Sunday
4 Raid the kitchen when everyone is in bed, leave the fridge door open, and, having removed the candles, eat most of Lydia’s 9th birthday cake out of the tin leaving crumbs and candles over a wide area.
5 Continue with 1 – 4 until the eve of departure. Announce that
a) you can’t find your passport,
b) you need new green Converse which cost 90 quid,
c) you will be sick if they make you eat foreign food. Stare out of the window a lot with your mouth open, jiggling your left foot. Make no attempt to pack or find your passport.
6 When Parent finds, buys and brings you new Converse, point out that they’re BLUE.
7 When Parent finds your passport and tells you to put it somewhere safe, put it on the pile of newspapers that father is throwing out. Grunt at mother when she remarks on this, and replace passport on top of the fridge.
8 Stay up until four the night before you all have to be up at six, playing Tupac, soulful but loud.
9 Stumble around the following morning. Be surly. Get in the way. Demand a proper breakfast. Shrug shoulders and sigh loudly if anyone talks to you. Say: ‘don’t care’ or ‘dunno’ in response to questions about packing, passport and Spinhaler.
10 Develop a sudden and unusual fondness for Fido. Tell parents how cruel they are to leave him with strangers.
11 Wait until you are at the check in to remember that passport is on top of fridge.
12 Sigh heavily and look aggrieved when your dad says how lucky it is that the flight is delayed by two hours and he’ll just have time to go back and collect it.
13 In father’s absence, demand money from your mum so that you can buy a computer game and have a double cheeseburger, chips and milkshake.
14 Do not be where you arranged to meet until eleven minutes before the plane is due to leave.
15 Bring up cheeseburger, chips and milkshake on unknown fellow passenger on the plane.
16 Blame your mother.
17 Complain about the heat and the smell on landing.
18 Complain about the heat and smell in the hire car.
19 Vomit on Lydia.
20 Say at two minute intervals during the drive ‘Aren’t we there yet?’
21 Mutter incomprehensible swear words, and answer ‘nothing’ if anyone asks what you said.
22 Feel aggrieved when Parents take the double room at the villa. Slam the door of your allotted room and refuse to come out. Be pissed off when you hear the others having fun in the pool. Eat the Lasagna they bought for dinner, leaving four dirty pans – one irretrievably burnt – a broken egg on the floor and a trail of sticky plates, cutlery and surfaces. Complain about the Lasagna. Complain about the ants when your mother points out that there is nothing left to eat
23 Compel your parents to drive to the village ten miles away to get another Spinhaler
24 When they suggest you might like to come with them, point out that they left your BLUE Converse at home.
25 Eat all the Hobnobs while they are out. Refuse lunch.
26 Be sick again. Get a temperature.
27 Suddenly feel much better when they have gone back to the village to find medicine for you, and play Nintendo for the next eight hours, snacking on a loaf of bread and all the Nutella.
28 Refuse supper. Tell your mother she is an alcoholic when she suggests to your dad that they have a glass of wine
29 Scowl and look embarrassed when the owner of the villa drops by to see if you need anything and your mother talks to her. Point out that the television does not have the sports channel and that the cd’s are boring old people’s music.
30 Sleep all day. Play Heavy Metal and Nintendo all night
31 Refuse all suggestions for trips to Waterworld, the local fiesta, horseriding, the sea, the pizza restaurant. Feel martyred if they go without you.
32 Keep this up for the week or fortnight, and there is a good chance that you will not have to endure another holiday with your parents.